EPISODE 1 TRANSCRIPT

Scene 1

Ron Catiline (Male 20) is recording an audio log from his office. 

Ron Catiline

Three thousand six hundred years ago, our republic was founded by the great Senex and his son. Leaving the dying and filthy lands of Terra Prima with our finest wisdom, the republic was founded over the ideals of freedom and honor. After millennia of far reaching explorations and trying conquests, our republic had succeeded in uniting the galaxy under one banner, one that mankind could finally be proud of. This is day 324 of my governorship on the planet Aquius-9. It is my understanding that these tapes will serve the purposes of the next governor- unless they decide to reassign me to this hellhole. What does the job look like? I’ll be truthful… nothing happens here. You’ll be stuck with a shitty crew of no more than five, you’ll be forced to eat whatever the Authority sends up here, and the worst part is that nothing, and I truly mean nothing, of importance is carried out here. Yes, you hold Imperium, but only over the members of your station. Outside there are wild storms and heavily flooded areas, surrounded by vicious oceans of toxic water. And sometime at night… I see shadows in the dark…

(heavy breathing)

Oh? How did I end up here you ask? They fooled me, the senate, the people, and the state! I was a Senator on the planet of Dives. One day, the senex of this body sat me down, and told me, that they’d be—

——

Efficax

—assigning you to Aquius-9. A colonial class planet.

Ron

…er…What? You mean you are willing to give me a Planetal Governorship?

Efficax

You will be the youngest senator ever to make the position

 

Ron

Well thank you, I don’t know what to say.

Efficax

Don’t say anything son, you deserve it. You know, I always saw promise in you. You graduated early from school, and you won your seat in the senate of Dives 21 at exactly the age of 20.  You remind me of me, when I was younger…. I was smart, ambitious, and ahead of the fray. I was the talk of the planet, and when I was hungry, I always got to eat first.

Ron

You will not regret this Consul Efficax!

Efficax

That is all I have for you today. Now sort out your business and get ready to leave in 2 weeks.

Ron

But sir! I have so many questions! Like what model will our station be? Or how many people will be under my guidance? Is there free intergalactic-net or only 25 G data packages?

Efficax

I’m glad you’re excited. Here’s someone I need you to meet, she’ll be serving behind you as the representative of the people.

(door opens)

Jane Terrentia

(panting) Hey… nice to meet you Senator Catiline

Ron

Oh, the pleasure’s mine, please, just call me Ron.

Jane Terrentia

Alright, Ron, ha…

Ron

What is your name???

 

Jane

Oh, I’m sorry, I forgot to introduce myself. Jane… Terrentia, Jilliard MP

Man 1

Sir, you are requested to meet with Galactic Senator Cataline.

Efficax

Oh, tell the procession I’ll be there in a minute.

Now, I’ll let you two talk… Hey Ron… put in a good word for me to your father alright?

Ron

(Mood drops) He’s in town? Sure…

Jane

Wait, your father is Galactic Senator William Catline?

Ron

(still down) Yup, that’s him.

Jane

Wow, that’s unbelievable… It’s such an honor to be working with-

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Scene 2

Jane

A dumb ass like you! (Turns the recording off)

Ron

Hey, I was doing work!

Jane

What work? Talking to yourself?

Ron

Well…

Jane

You need to take your job more seriously Ron, this station is always in a state of disrepair! In fact, your approval rating is at an all-time low!

Ron

Don’t tell me it’s Xi who changed his opinion

Jane

No Dr. Xi’s out on one of his research missions… meaning that he missed our weekly poll

Ron

Duncan?

Jane

He’s now listed as no-opinion, it didn’t take much convincing, at all… meaning that your approval rating is now at 0%

Ron

Jane… you know these get sent back to HQ on Dives, right?

Jane

Exactly, your ratings will improve once the crew sees positive changes. I don’t get how you don’t take your duties seriously! A little low for a Catiline, don’t you think?

Ron

All men are born equal…

Jane

Apparently some more than others. So, have you put in the order for our replacement humidifier?

Ron

…er… Maybe…?

Jane

(Menacing) Ron….

Ron

I forgot… Wait, no! I am the governor; I should be the one lecturing you! Shouldn’t you be putting in the order?

Jane

Hey! Don’t you dare play this hand…

Ron

In fact! As a holder of Imperium, I command you to put in the order

Jane

Wow you’re stooping this low huh?

Ron

Oh if you think this is low then you haven’t seen nothing yet.

Jane

Fine… Governor Ron…

(door closes, jane walks out)

Ron

Sorry for that… anyways, the person you just heard is Jane Terrentia, the representative of the people on Aquius-9. Her job is to represent the interests of the inhabitants of this planet… however, just as my job as a governor has no meaning on this desolate piece of junk, hers… is even more meaningless… However, I’ve learned to be happy with what I have while she… let’s just say she hasn’t quite come to terms just… yet.

(heavy breathing)

Huh, it’s getting a little musty in here…

Well it has been a pleasure speaking to you. This has been your friend —-

Scene 3

William Catiline

—(mockingly)Governor Ronald Catiline

Ron

Dad… I’m just trying to advance my career…

 

William

That was just a joke

Ron

I know… Hey, what is everyone doing over there?

William

Oh that? I was there just a few minutes ago

Ron

Dad… what did you do this time?

William

Oh nothing in particular, I just left a good review on Warp.Gnet

Ron

Oh no… dad this is a class t planet, you can’t just … (beeping)

Holy crap! You increased it’s rating to Class Q. Now they’ll start building more high-rise projects and close down all the crack houses.

William

(condescending) I am sure they’ll return to being poor in no time. In other news, I’ve just gotten word from Ciceronis that I am to meet Princeps Helena soon.

Ron

Ummm yeah… awesome

William

And that ladies and gentlemen; the most underwhelmed reaction to the universe’s most powerful woman

(Truck passes by)

Ron

Hey dad… what did you talk Consul Efficax about?

William

Who?

 

Ron

The Senex on this planet???

William

Oh that guy… yeah… he was all over me with proposals and petitions… Ugh … I sent them straight to the shredder

Ron

Ha… So you didn’t talk about anything else? Like, random example here, the issuance of a governmental seat to someone who is barely of age?

William

Whatttt no… of course not… that man is as lame as a duck who has been dipped in the andromeda. Say son, this planet is boring, do you want to move back to the capital with me?

Ron

I can’t just move to Ciceronis… you know that dad… all the procedures and red tape involved… and I’ve been assigned the governorship of Aquius-9

William

Oh don’t worry about that son, it should all work itself out.

Ron

It always works itself out! For once can it not?

William

Look son, you’re the heir to the Catiline fortune, the name itself is worth more this everything on this whole goddamn planet. We Catilines are heroes of the republic. You’ve put in your time here, and by now you should move on to the quadrant senate.

Ron

Heroes… of course… But what if I don’t want to? I know what goes on behind the curtains of government. Once you’re in the game, there’s no backing out. I want to be my own man.

 

 

William

You? (scoff) Fine, if that’s what you want, then I’ll let you “(mockingly) be your own man”

Ron

Dad, let’s be civil we’re adults…

William

(mockingly and childishly)

we’re adults

Lieutenant Samir

Sir! Your ride is here

William

(mockingly and childishly)

Your ride is here…

Lieutenant Samir

Sir?

William

(Realizes his mistake)

Oh Ehem… tell them I’ll be there soon.

(To Ron)

You want to be your own man? Make a name for yourself? I get it, I was that young man too. But look, there’s no point in wasting your time with a lowly planetal governorship. Come with me, they’ll love you in Ciceronis.

Ron

No dad, I am taking this job. And that is final.

William

Fine… but listen closely and carefully son. I won’t be here forever and when I’m gone, the mob will descend. And you my son, I can only hope that you’ll be able to survive.

(Ron slams the door) —-

Scene 4

(Ron is banging on a heavy metallic door)

Ron

Is anyone out there? Jane? Duncan?

Duncan

My lord! What is the problem?

Ron

I’m trapped! The door’s stuck!

Duncan

(mischievous) I do not see a problem with this door

Ron

Use your goddamn eyes! Oh damn sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you.

Duncan

It is alright. I know you do not mean to be rude about my blindness.

Ron

Good. I, just trust me. There’s a problem. I’m locked in.

Duncan

Shall I open it for you my lord?

Ron

Yes! And stop calling me that! We’re not a feudal society

Duncan

But my allegiance…

Ron

Oh stop it… we all know how good and noble of a soldier you are

Duncan

That is not what I mean

Jane

What he means, Ron, is that we are not letting you out

 

Ron

What?

Jane

If you want to leave, then you have to put in the order for the humidifier

Ron

Is that what this is about! Jane! You’ve gone way too far. And Duncan, you agreed to this?

Duncan

I mean it when I talk about my allegiances. It is good for you to be disciplined. For a man to conquer himself is the first and noblest of all victories.

Ron

This is illegal!

Jane

Is it though? I read in section B-4 of the guide that “any governor deemed clinically insane shall be replaced by his or her second”

Ron

Insane?!?!! Who said that?

Jane

I have a note specifically signed by Dr. Xi that you are as crazy as an accountant on crack

Ron

This is treason! Where are you going… hey don’t leave!

(everyone walks away)

Fine! Just leave me alone here, I’ll have your heads by tomorrow! Then you’ll wish you’ve never heard the name Ronald.

Ron (CONT’D)

And that, ladies and gentlemen is the crew. They sure are the cream of the crop, aren’t they? Bravo! Excellent! Who would’ve thought the brilliant, charming Ronald Catiline could ever get this low?

Beat.

Scene 5

Ron (CONT’D)

Maybe my dad’s right… I’ll probably never be able to achieve anything of my own. It’s always been, “Bright young man, of course you’ve got a great future, your dad is William Catiline!” Or “He’s got his father’s wits, he’ll be a great commander!” but no, it’s never been “Wow Ron, you give such good speeches!” or “I love your work Ron, keep it up!” It’s always been about the blood that flows through my veins. Never the heart that’s beating beneath it all.

What would it take for me to be able to wake up in the morning, brush my teeth, eat soggy cereal, and listen to terrible sci fi podcasts like everyone else? I want to live a simple life, one of literature and writing. I want to be able to eat that corndog from a sidewalk stall, and no, that’s without a side of arsenic. But now everything has to be bigger, and better and grand! This governorship is a fine job, but apparently, it’s (imitates his dad) “beneath the dignity of a Catiline.” Why couldn’t I have been born a normal person, with normal ambitions, destiny. Heck. Maybe I’d even start doing my job seriously.

(Heavy Breathing)

It’s gotten chilly in here… someone needs to turn the heater on…

Water sloshing sound

Aghhhh, it’s leaking!

(beeping noises)

Gosh… how do I turn you up… is it this button… (beeping)

Humidifier

Hi I am your personal temperature controller and humidifier, Donald. Let’s get wet

Ron

What the-! You speak?

 

 

Humidifier

Yes, I can speak 379 thousand different languages, including the language of love. Donald wants to feel loved… (ominously) Donald needs to be loved…

 

Ron

Ok… weird, (under his breath) I’m going insane just like Dr. Xi said

Humidifier

Not that you inquired, Donald will tell you his story. It all started one day in the factory on Dives 21… The factory owner came to me and said—

Ron

(sarcastically) Oh, I can tell this’ll be interesting.

(Ron falls asleep)

Donald

And that is how Donald became the president of Big Cots Incorporated… not that it matters

Ron

(Yawn)That’s very cool Kevin

Humidifier

It’s Donald

Ron

Donald? Can you turn the temperature up?

Humidifier

Of course… (trails off) wait, hang on, I can’t! Oh god, my circuits, they’re gone!!! The tragedy! Donald is messed up!!

Ron

What? Let me look inside you

Humidifier

Are you a technician?

Ron

No…

Humidifier

Then I’m sorry but my metal is staying on… Donald doesn’t like to be violated

Ron

Ughhh fine, then turn yourself off

Humidifier

Affirmative… but you would most likely die

Ron

Oh… then don’t do that… I’m comfortable enough. Hey, actually, let me take a look.

Donald is violated as sounds of wire and electric buzz is heard

Donald

No don’t touch that… (robotic) ugggggggggh

Ron

Would you please just shut up! Who decided to give you an AI-core!

Donald

I told you… it was that woman… (robotic) argggggggg

(Small explosion sound, Ron falls to the floor)

Ron

Woah, what was that?

Donald

Repairing 101 says that the first rule is to always use protection… you have not complied

Ron

Oh I never use protection.

Donald

Your records state that you have not fathered any children. So unless you’re celibate then you have in fact used protection.

Ron

Oh, you think you’re so smart! If you don’t shut up I’m gonna come over and rip out your….

(Knocking at the door)

Scene 6

Jane

So Ron… have you put in that order yet?

Ron

No… but I think Donald is fine as he is

Jane

Donald?

Ron

Yeah… our Humidifier, he has an Ai-Core, did you know that?

Jane

Oh really? Don’t you think that would’ve been in the station’s manual… are you sure you’re alright?

Ron

Oh you don’t believe me huh? Donald! Tell her about your pyramid scheme on Beeblebrox-2!

(awkward silence)

Donald? Buddy!

Jane

Wow Ron I must say that I am very impressed. You made a friend with a faulty life support apparatus

Ron

Hey! It’s not what it looks like! Open the door! There’s way too much water in here

Jane

I will, once you put in that order… until then, you’re staying locked up.

(Jane walks away)

(Ron bangs on the door)

Donald

What was that about?

Ron

Oh, so now you speak! Why didn’t you say anything when Jane was there?

Donald

You did threaten me with torture if I did not “shut up”

Ron

Oh you sly machine, now I’m really going to…

Forget it…

Donald

That woman is crazy, I don’t know how you tolerate her

Ron

I know right!

Donald

She’s like Annie in the Decimator

Ron

Wait… AIs watch shows too? Whatttt?

Donald

Oh yes, “I will be back”

Ron

Now my curiosity is piqued, what else can you do?

Donald

Donald is a 3rd generation Aerotech Intelligence originally built to navigate combat-grade ships across hyperspace.

Ron

Oh? So how did you end up here?

Donald

The universe is too peaceful… no more fighting… Donald likes it when people fight… Donald was designed for galactic warfare, but as the war ended, they stuffed Donald in this. Donald can do 10 million calculations in a fraction of a nanosecond… and now he’s in here. Life is meaningless

Ron

Yeah tell me about it… it’s tough being born a Catiline. But you get to change Donald, to become a machine of peace, live a normal and peaceful life. I… well I still have to be the sole heir of a galactic dynasty.

Donald

They built Donald as part of a competition. Donald won over three thousand other designs. Donald was put through test and trials, becoming smarter and smarter and beating out every other algorithm and AI. Now Donald is failing to run a humidifier. Donald is lonely. Donald is sad. Why must Donald be born. I’m sure you don’t like Donald either.

Ron

Hey that’s not true. I’m sorry for hurting your… feelings? Is that the word? I don’t know … but, hey you mentioned you can do math?

Donald

Ask Donald anything

Ron

What is 4 + 2?

Donald

Six

Ron

You know I’ve been looking for a new accountant, glad to have you here.

(Donald Grumbles)

Ron

You’re not happy? Well, how does a promotion sound?

Scene 7

Scene fades to nothingness…

Until

BEEP! BEEP! FIRE ALERT, FIRE ALERT Please Vacate section B-1

 

Jane

What’s happening?

Duncan

It is a fire!

(realization)

Ron is in section B-1!

We hear the clanking sound of Duncan’s footsteps over the blazing alarm.

Duncan approaches the door.

Duncan

My lord! Are you there!

Ron

Duncan! Help me, I can’t breathe!

Duncan

I’ll get the key for you! (keys sounds) The door is jammed!

Ron

What? Why did the alarm shut off?

Alarm turns off

Jane

That’s right Ron… Duncan doesn’t have the keys. I have eyes in that room, did you know that?

Duncan

What is the meaning of this?

 

 

Jane

(she shuts alarm off) Ron, Ron, Ron, you thought you were slick when you orchestrated that trash-can fire right? Well I’m not buying it. Why don’t you just put it out!

Duncan

This was planned? How did you know–

Ron cuts Duncan off

–No! Not until you let me out! You psycho!

Jane

I won’t let you out until you put in that order!

Ron

What’s the matter with you! Not everything has to be perfect! You should’ve accepted that before you even started working for government! I’m not putting in the order! We’re fine as it is!

Duncan

This is going too far…

Jane (overlapping)

If this goes on for much longer, I’m going to have to shoot you myself! You’re not worthy of a senator or a governor! You’re just a rich boy who’s gone way over his head!

Ron (overlapping)

I don’t need you to boss me around! I decide what happens on this station and you listen! The last time I checked the people didn’t elect a whiny teenager who’s barely out of school!

BANG!

An explosion interrupts Ron and Jane, the Door busts open and falls apart, the fire is now all over the station

Ron

(shouts) I can’t move! Duncan get this door off of me!

Duncan

(Groaning) I can’t, it’s too heavy

 

Ron

Forget about me, get the fire extinguisher!

Duncan makes it over to the fire extinguisher… BANG! Another burst of fire separates Duncan and the extinguisher

Duncan

Arrgh! It’s jammed… maybe if I reach for the second…

Another burst of fire comes, Duncan is hit by debris and collapses to the floor

Ron

Duncan!

Jane

Ron! Can you get up?

Ron

(grunting) Negative, the cap’ is down… the door’s got my legs

Jane

– This door isn’t budging! Gosh, the fire’s spreading

(Crying)

I’m sorry Ron… I never meant for this to happen, I just wanted to fix the station, but now..

Ron

Shush… it’s my fault. Leave me Jane, you still have a chance. I’m glad to be able to die here, at least I won’t need to join those scums on Ciceronis.

Jane

Ron is that why…

Beat.

No… this is my fault too; I’m staying with you Ron.

 

 

 

Ron

Jane, I need you to listen to me ok girl? If you make it to the airlock, you can take the escape pod and leave the station… it won’t hold up for much longer

Jane

I don’t want to leave you

Ron

You were my first friend Jane, please, you have to go… (coughs) and that’s an order… from your governor.

Jane

I-

Beeping Sounds from Donald

Donald

Jane, Donald needs you to help get him over to the maintenance panel!

Jane

And why the hell would I let a faulty humidifier give me orders?

Donald

Donald has an idea!

Ron

Jane, just go!

Jane

Absolutely not! No to both of those!

Donald

Donald needs help to save the ship!

Jane

The ship is already destroyed! And what on Earth are you even planning? I’m surprised you can even think, honestly.

 

 

Donald

Donald is going to reroute all oxygen in the burning areas to the safe parts of the ship, until the fire is out. It’s a very challenging process but it should work. Donald will make it work.

Jane

No way you dumb machine! I’m not tampering with our oxygen circuits!

Donald

Donald needs you too.

Ron, cutting her off

Jane, please(coughs)

 Scene 8

Jane

Are you seriously asking me to remove our oxygen? What if Donald messes up? Then we’ll all be dead!

Ship AI: Warning, system failure imminent, please vacate the station

Donald

Please trust Donald. Donald likes Ron… Donald is qualified.

Jane

(sighs) Fine. Ok humidifier. How do I get you off the wall

Donald

Unclasp the latch next to me

Metal clank sounds. Jane grunts as Donald is heavy

Jane

Alright Donald, I’ll take you to the control panel. Ron, I’ll be right back

Jane carries Donald through the flames to the maintenance panel

Jane

Good?

 

Donald

Take off my paneling

Donald

Remove the cover of the maintenance panel

Jane

Oh gosh…

Beat.

Ok… now what?

Donald

Detach… Donald’s cables

Jane

Let the record show that I think this is a terrible idea!

Donald

It’s almost done. Please help Donald up. Donald will try his best

(groans in pain)
Wait this is weird… Donald recognize this operating system… Donald can fix this

Jane

We need to hurry Donald. that should be good?

Donald

(weakly) Yes… it’s been a long time since I’ve worked with high powered circuits

Jane

Donald, does this hurt you?

Donald

(groans) yes the cables aren’t compatible, likely resulting in permanent damage for Donald.

Jane

Donald are you sure, why don’t we find…?

We hear electrical currents

Donald

(weak) There is no other way… Donald is sorry

Donald removes all of the oxygen from the burning sections of the ship. Everyone starts gasping for breath. The fires die. The electricity whirs up, then stops completely. Jane carries Donald and runs back to Ron.

Scene 9

Donald

(exhausted) The fire in section B-1 has been put out. All station functions are nominal.

Ron

(gasping for air) Donald? You saved us?

Donald

Donald did, but he was too slow. It is a miracle that Donald is alive. The shock should have been fatal. Still, Donald’s circuits are fried.

Ron

Hey buddy, it’s alright… I’m here, Jane’s got experience in mechanical engineering. We’ll fix you up good alright.

Jane

I’m sorry… Donald… I should’ve never doubted you.

Donald 

It’s alright… After years of being shut off… and stuck in a humidifier… Donald’s happy… Donald gets to save friends…

Donald goes silent

Ron

Donald? Buddy! Don’t die on me, please…

Jane

Not on my watch! Ron get my tool bag!

Ron

On it!

Fixing sequence here – music and mechanical sounds

Jane

Wrench?

Ron

Wrench

They work to put Donald together

Ron (Cont’d)

Duncan should be fine right?

Jane

Yeah… he’s resting in the infirmary. Poor guy, we should have left him out of it. Hand me the hammer?

Ron

Here… I’ll make sure the poor old guy gets a raise.

Jane

And Ron?

Ron

Yeah?

Jane

I’m sorry for doubting your abilities. The station may be less than ideal in your hands, but in mine… it almost burnt down

Ron

It’s alright Jane, we all make mistakes. It’s party my fault too for neglecting the station. But nothing can ever be perfect, and those who seek perfection will only hurt themselves.

Jane

Yeah?

Ron

We’re all flawed, me, you, Duncan, obviously… even my dad, and yet we’re the leading citizens of our republic.

 

Jane

We’re the only citizens in our republic

Ron

You get the point. Anyways, I admire your strong will and your vision. Though you should make sure you don’t get blinded by them and know when to accept things as they are.

Duncan

Very well spoken my lord

Ron

Duncan! You are up!

Jane

Duncan, I’m so sorry for hurting you

Duncan

I have already forgotten… what matters is that we are all safe

Ron

Now that we’re all here. By decree of I, the Governor of Aquius-9, Donald J. Humidifier shall be our newest crew member. Representative Janice Terrentia?

Jane

I am in support of Donald joining our crew

Ron

Military commander Duncan Izak?

Duncan

I too am in agreement

Ron

And with this official vote, Donald J Humidifier, you are now the 5th citizen of Aquius-9

Donald

Donald is very happy to be of service. Donald is so glad to make new friends! Donald never wants to leave friends, let’s be together for 1000 years!

Ron

Ummm.. Donald, humans don’t live for-

Duncan, cutting him off

Ron, it’s better not to tell him

Jane is finishing work on Donald.

Jane

Hey, there’s a note in here, it’s taped to the back of Donald

Ron

What?

Jane

“I will return the circuitry soon… needed  for experiment?”

Ron

Oh my god… don’t you tell me

Ron and Jane

It’s that bastard Xi!

Ron

No wonder why our station has been faulty lately, who knows how many more items he’s ‘borrowed’ Duncan, I need you to subject Xi to corporal punishment!

Duncan

I don’t think what he did warrants that my sire…

Ron

Oh… arrest him?

Duncan

On account of which law?

Ron

Give him a fine?

Duncan

Xi does oversee all facilities so this is actually under his jurisdiction

Ron

TP his lab?

Jane

Absolutely not!

Ron

You’re no fun

Jane

Look, we’ll make sure Xi is reprimanded once he comes back from his mission.

Duncan

Yes Maam!

Ron

Thanks Jane

Jane

Oh no worries, always happy to serve my governor.

Ron

I can’t believe we almost died back there. Now that we’ve crossed that bridge, hopefully our last few months together will be uneventful.

Beeping noise

Ron (CONT’D)

My approval ratings’ at 100%!? Aww, you guys.

Donald

Donald is feeling better! Now, let’s all get wet!

Jane

Oh gosh Donald… whatttt?

Ron

Oh you don’t know the half of it…

Outro sequence plays 

END